Yesterday we talked about helping a friend. Specifically, knowing what to say.
We settled on the value found in the old adage of "less is more".
There is so much value, power, and honor when we...
Sit. Wait. See. Listen. Carry. Walk. Serve.
But what do we do when it comes time to actually say something...what do we say?
Knowing WHAT to say is rooted in knowing WHO they are.
Here is what I mean:
Have you ever given someone advice and they didn't follow through on anything you shared with them? Have you gotten frustrated when they came back to you talking about the same struggle, knowing full well that they ignored you?
I think we've all been there.
Many times the reason for the frustration is that we offered them advice based on WHO we are, and how WE would handle it.
The difference between sharing advice based on WHO they are and WHO we are is the difference between them really hearing us, or just politely listening to, and disregarding us.
Try this the next time you are listening to a friend talk about their struggle, and they ask you for advice on what they should do.
Use what I call "See 33".
Ask them 3 strengths and 3 core values that describe WHO they are and WHAT they believe.
Then, before you say a word about their challenge, filter your advice through "See 33".
Let me give you an example:
Let's say your friend says they see themselves as bold, humorous, and creative...and their core values they believe in are honesty, compassion, and loyalty.
Now we need a struggle they might be dealing with.
Let's say they are finding it hard to feel valued in the workplace. They feel they are being overlooked, and often times their ideas are being ignored.
Then they look at you and say "What would you do?"
What they are really saying is "What would you do if you were me?"
Based on "See 33", you might say...
"I know you. I know your heart. Part of your struggle might be that your boldness loves to go for it and take risks. You are super creative with your ideas and they are often times pretty funny, too. I love that about you. Is it possible the person you are pitching your ideas to isn't into risk as much as you are? Is it possible you could show them how even though some risk might be involved in your big, bold, creative, and humorous idea...that you could show them the value it will bring EVEN IF it isn't a home run? Doubles are still pretty solid! Can you share with them that you want the team to get the win, and if it doesn't work out, you will stand up and be accountable for it?"
You might go on to say something like...
"By doing that you are honoring your core value of being honest by explaining the risk. You are being compassionate to them because you are acknowledging their feelings about risk as well. And at the end of the day you are being up front about being loyal to them, and sharing how you'll see this idea through to the end...no matter what. How you'll accept responsibility for its outcome. How you'll champion them as the boss that believed in them."
That whole response helps your friend release WHO they are, and makes it that much more likely that they'll have something they can feel connected to. They can stand up for WHAT they believe in, while honoring their boss as well. Win-win.
When we base our advice and words on our world, we are speaking an emotional foreign language to the person asking for our opinion.
Our opinion can still be an original thought from us, but it has to be spoken in the language our friend is fluent at a heart level in.
3 core values.
When we base the words we share on WHO we are talking to, it's powerful.
Less is more, and personal is actionable.
"...it may be that..." we need to see how we share advice from this perspective.
Imagine how you'd feel if someone did that for you.
When we see where they are coming from, we can share a response that will help them.
When we "See 33" we are being the best friend we can be.